Twilight - All that glitters breaks my heart

It’s 5am. The sun has risen. The sky is blue. The birds are singing.
I am laying in bed, and have begun to cry.
My heart is in physical pain, I cannot stop the tears, even as I write.

I always thought that I was probably the last female on the planet to read Twilight and the books that followed, and thus I never thought of them as something I would write about here.

Yesterday, I stayed up until 5.30am so that I could finish Twilight. I had seen the film when it first came out, and seeing the film before reading the book, meant I struggled to get into the text. I found myself constantly visualising the film rather than lifting images from the page as I usually would.

The books were bought as a gift. I was asked why I hadn’t read them yet. My excuse was I wanted to wait until I had the time. Embarrased, and after struggling with the first 50 pages, I was finally hooked. I had fallen in love, literally.

I sat downstairs in my living room reading Twilight, for some reason I can only read these words when I am on my own. And on my own I found myself beaming with smiles from ear to ear, I laughed out loud, and at one point I cried. These were real emotions, such strong emotions for characters in a book, unreal characters - one in particular.

I wish I had stopped reading at the end of Twilight. Or that I had needed time to go out and purchase the next book. But at 2am this morning I began reading New Moon. I wish I hadn’t.

Even as I write my tears fall over the page, I struggle to breath, and I bite my lip so that my fiancé, my real, human, breathing, heart beating, sleeping fiancé, isn’t woken by the sound of my half swallowed cries.

I cannot believe what I have just read. I want to continue but I need to get up in a few hours.

Yesterday I said to a friend who has already read the whole series that I wanted to hug the author Stephanie Meyer for creating a book such as wonderful as Twilight.
Right now, drowning in my own tears (and snot), I feel completely alone, I hate Stephanie Meyer. No, actually, I don’t hate her. I admire her for being able to rip my heart into a thousand tiny pieces. A heart that is in love, with someone real one who lays beside me right now, has been broken by words on a page. By Edward. For Bella.

If you have not read the books then do not read on. I of all people hate spoilers and would hate to spoil it for anyone who has not been cursed, with this writing.

But I have just passed Chapters OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, DECEMBER, and JANUARY, and was immediately angered, shocked, and lost within the pages.

How could Edward leave?.........

I could see straight through his words, pretending he didn’t love her as before but simply lying to protect her. I didn’t believe him and I didn’t want it.

I don’t know what to say, what to think, or how I will sleep. I feel like my life has fallen apart.

I want to pick up the book and to find Edward, not in Bella’s mind, or his voice - a hallucination, but Edward back with Bella where he belongs.

I am tortured. I must try and sleep.
Poor Bella.
Poor me.
Poor Edward.

I am Literature Graduate. I have had a library room in my house since I was a child that few people have ever seen, but believe me when I say that no book, has ever, ever entranced me, encapsulated me, bewildered me, broken me and put me through the heart wrenching ordeal that I am experiencing right now. Part of me wants to die. There is no exaggeration when I say this. Meyer is a truly extraordinary writer.

I honestly wish I had never begun reading these books.
Everything that seemed so perfect, has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

***

I manage to sleep for a while. A long while actually. In fact I struggle to wake up, but the moment I do, I pick up the book and continue, I will read until I find Edward. I have fallen into a depression.

My phone rings and beeps, and it is switched onto silent.

I read for four hours. I check the building messages on my phone, barely. I feel the need to change my status, to publicise what I'm feeling, maybe someone else felt this too when they were reading the books? I am very slightly distracted by photos a friend has uploaded and as I scroll through the photos and make comments, I am constantly eyeing New Moon.

This needs to stop! I have become unsociable. I am confined to my room. It is also now the comfiest place to read as I can rest the book on the duvet and read much quicker.

I decide to text two friends that are in the photos and invite them over, or better still go out and have a few drinks to numb my brain. If they come over for 9pm, I will have to get ready from now. Their replies saying that they have a birthday to attend, is actually exactly what I wanted. I tried. I made the effort to have a break. But there is no reason to. After all it is a Saturday. Plus I think it would be in my interest to complete these books before I go to work on Monday so I am not distracted as I was on Friday. How strange to think that anything could be stronger than my passion for clothes and shoes. My work was never a job, it was a joy, but now I wish I had time off to read. How strange to think that if someone passed a pair of Louboutins in my size my way, I wouldn't even care.

I read two more chapters and decide enough is enough. I need to break out of this trance. A shower will do the trick. I stand under the shower that usually wakes me up instantly, and as the water runs over my face, I lean against the shower head and feel nothing.

I am having a bite to eat right now and even this feels like I'm wasting such valuable time. After editing this post, I am going back upstairs, and will stay there for however long it takes.

I thought I was living the greatest love story I would ever know. But Edward and Bella is something else. For my own sake though, I hope that when I have finished the books, that these feeling fade. I don't know how I'll cope otherwise.

"Can you please spell Gabbana?"

I struggle with the idea that a girl living in New York had really never heard of Gabbana?! But a girl living in New York, London or Paris will certainly have a similar reaction to Andy Sachs (as did one of my fellow fashionistas,) when I say Dolce & Gabbana and make-up in the same sentence.

Please note that I tend not to stop in the beauty department of Selfridges (unless it’s Christmas and I’m gift searching or unless I really have to). My make up palette is precise. I am a MAC girl, along with my YSL Touch Éclat, and a bit of Diorshow Backstage Mascara. In addition, is the fact that I seldom buy make up in London unless I’ve run out of Touch Éclat, and then it’s duty free at Heathrow or Stansted. My MAC stack is more or less all purchased in the US of A, primarily on Fifth Avenue, glamorous yes, much less expensive, hell yes! And as the saying goes, “once you go MAC, you never go back,” well that was my motto...until Friday.

There is no better way than to start my first blog entry, than with Dolce & Gabbana. My first fashion love, my first fashion buy... ok, it was D&G not Dolce, and there is a difference, but ultimately the thrill is the same, the ‘sex’ is the same, and on Friday, whilst wearing a D&G gold vest (emphasis on the gold), I found the need to stop on the ground floor of Selfridges' beauty department, where before me was something that was not there two weeks ago and that took me very much by surprise.

For the first time, the fashion Gods that are Dolce & Gabbana have released a make-up collection that is exclusive to Selfridges. The face of the collection, Miss Scarlett Johansson is a more than perfect choice, as a blonde of course (her newer darker look is not so Dolce). Quoting Stefano Gabbana, ''she’s a beautiful girl, but she’s really easygoing. She is very Dolce & Gabbana,’' but trust me when I tell you there is nothing easy going about the collection. It is - simply stunning - simply sex.

I think I was staring at the products for so long that the lovely make-up artist came over just to see if I was ok. We sat down and she applied a lip colour. Cute and pink, “perfect choice for my complexion,” but I already have a similar colour in Estee Lauder (yeah ok I never said I bought that either - blah). She asked me if I would like to try the red that Miss Johansson wears in the ad campaign. I have a MAC red, but it tends to bleed into the edge of my mouth, and after a drink, or few, no one tells you this and you only find out when the photos are uploaded onto facebook and then realise I look like I was in training for clown school. I wasn’t intending on buying anything so what harm could it do, I would try it out. All reds are the same surely?

She applied The Classic Lipstick in Devil Red, no lip liner, but with a lip brush (which annoyingly enough are not yet available to purchase). She then covered the lipstick with The Lipgloss in Ruby and my lips were the sex.

I also tried the foundation that can be used as a powder, or can be used wet to provide more coverage. This again was amazing, especially for my post holiday tanned skin that is too dark for my MAC foundation.

I asked the lovely make up girl for the details, and asked what the foundation came in. Dolce & Gabbana eat your heart out. Gold. Sophisticated. Sexy. Sleek. The collection is perfect to throw in my speedy without making a mess, but a joy to reveal to onlookers wondering where on earth these gold jewels are from.

I didn’t buy the products immediately. I decided to have a think about it, all the while staring at my lips in every reflective material I walked past. On Saturday I woke up and was asked where I was going that I had applied red lipstick first thing. And that was my deciding factor. I have had a stressful week, and yes, shamefully, did not take off my make-up on Friday night. But the fact that my lips were the same as when first applied said it all.
I went back on Saturday and collected my first pieces of Dolce & Gabbana. There are blushes, nails colours, eye shadows, lip liners, and I'm sure the list will develop quickly. The only thing that the new collection couldn’t provide me with was a Scarlett Johansson cleavage... I think it would be Dr 90210 for that...