Twilight - All that glitters breaks my heart

It’s 5am. The sun has risen. The sky is blue. The birds are singing.
I am laying in bed, and have begun to cry.
My heart is in physical pain, I cannot stop the tears, even as I write.

I always thought that I was probably the last female on the planet to read Twilight and the books that followed, and thus I never thought of them as something I would write about here.

Yesterday, I stayed up until 5.30am so that I could finish Twilight. I had seen the film when it first came out, and seeing the film before reading the book, meant I struggled to get into the text. I found myself constantly visualising the film rather than lifting images from the page as I usually would.

The books were bought as a gift. I was asked why I hadn’t read them yet. My excuse was I wanted to wait until I had the time. Embarrased, and after struggling with the first 50 pages, I was finally hooked. I had fallen in love, literally.

I sat downstairs in my living room reading Twilight, for some reason I can only read these words when I am on my own. And on my own I found myself beaming with smiles from ear to ear, I laughed out loud, and at one point I cried. These were real emotions, such strong emotions for characters in a book, unreal characters - one in particular.

I wish I had stopped reading at the end of Twilight. Or that I had needed time to go out and purchase the next book. But at 2am this morning I began reading New Moon. I wish I hadn’t.

Even as I write my tears fall over the page, I struggle to breath, and I bite my lip so that my fiancé, my real, human, breathing, heart beating, sleeping fiancé, isn’t woken by the sound of my half swallowed cries.

I cannot believe what I have just read. I want to continue but I need to get up in a few hours.

Yesterday I said to a friend who has already read the whole series that I wanted to hug the author Stephanie Meyer for creating a book such as wonderful as Twilight.
Right now, drowning in my own tears (and snot), I feel completely alone, I hate Stephanie Meyer. No, actually, I don’t hate her. I admire her for being able to rip my heart into a thousand tiny pieces. A heart that is in love, with someone real one who lays beside me right now, has been broken by words on a page. By Edward. For Bella.

If you have not read the books then do not read on. I of all people hate spoilers and would hate to spoil it for anyone who has not been cursed, with this writing.

But I have just passed Chapters OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, DECEMBER, and JANUARY, and was immediately angered, shocked, and lost within the pages.

How could Edward leave?.........

I could see straight through his words, pretending he didn’t love her as before but simply lying to protect her. I didn’t believe him and I didn’t want it.

I don’t know what to say, what to think, or how I will sleep. I feel like my life has fallen apart.

I want to pick up the book and to find Edward, not in Bella’s mind, or his voice - a hallucination, but Edward back with Bella where he belongs.

I am tortured. I must try and sleep.
Poor Bella.
Poor me.
Poor Edward.

I am Literature Graduate. I have had a library room in my house since I was a child that few people have ever seen, but believe me when I say that no book, has ever, ever entranced me, encapsulated me, bewildered me, broken me and put me through the heart wrenching ordeal that I am experiencing right now. Part of me wants to die. There is no exaggeration when I say this. Meyer is a truly extraordinary writer.

I honestly wish I had never begun reading these books.
Everything that seemed so perfect, has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

***

I manage to sleep for a while. A long while actually. In fact I struggle to wake up, but the moment I do, I pick up the book and continue, I will read until I find Edward. I have fallen into a depression.

My phone rings and beeps, and it is switched onto silent.

I read for four hours. I check the building messages on my phone, barely. I feel the need to change my status, to publicise what I'm feeling, maybe someone else felt this too when they were reading the books? I am very slightly distracted by photos a friend has uploaded and as I scroll through the photos and make comments, I am constantly eyeing New Moon.

This needs to stop! I have become unsociable. I am confined to my room. It is also now the comfiest place to read as I can rest the book on the duvet and read much quicker.

I decide to text two friends that are in the photos and invite them over, or better still go out and have a few drinks to numb my brain. If they come over for 9pm, I will have to get ready from now. Their replies saying that they have a birthday to attend, is actually exactly what I wanted. I tried. I made the effort to have a break. But there is no reason to. After all it is a Saturday. Plus I think it would be in my interest to complete these books before I go to work on Monday so I am not distracted as I was on Friday. How strange to think that anything could be stronger than my passion for clothes and shoes. My work was never a job, it was a joy, but now I wish I had time off to read. How strange to think that if someone passed a pair of Louboutins in my size my way, I wouldn't even care.

I read two more chapters and decide enough is enough. I need to break out of this trance. A shower will do the trick. I stand under the shower that usually wakes me up instantly, and as the water runs over my face, I lean against the shower head and feel nothing.

I am having a bite to eat right now and even this feels like I'm wasting such valuable time. After editing this post, I am going back upstairs, and will stay there for however long it takes.

I thought I was living the greatest love story I would ever know. But Edward and Bella is something else. For my own sake though, I hope that when I have finished the books, that these feeling fade. I don't know how I'll cope otherwise.